.



I have begun my Mitch Miller goatee.



Goatee Whiskeyers

.



Beautiful. It made me feel lonely/not lonely and it made me
feel like I'm down here on Earth with this string on my pinky
that runs way, way up through the clouds to God knows where.



Deng Ahling, AKA Mort Alcoil

PA: Welcome, welcome. Iím Billy Flamnigan and come along with me into the wonderful world of ìArt of the Insane,î where we try to create the kind of wonderful paintings that the insane seem to be able to turn out without having to watch TV at all. Today, weíre going to plunge into the money-making opportunities in the burgeoning field of motel art of the insane. So here we go.

First, check into a motel, any motel, theyíre all the same. See, there I am, just choosing one at random, just the way an insane person would. Itís the Rubber and Leather Motor Hotel in Halter, Arizona and why Iím there, I just donít remember. Thatís a big woman behind the desk there and youíll want to find her equivalent wherever you go as well. No, smoking will be preferred mistress, see how she likes that? Off to your room. You can find it because itís got a number on the door that has some insane biblical meaning. Use the stupid card that makes the little light go on but then off so fast that you canít actually get into the room. Then start talking real loud and if someone comes to the door, just push your way in, then ignore whoever it is. Theyíre probably just hullabalootions anyway.

Now here you are in a bonafide motel room and the first thing I like to do is take all my clothes off and look around for some art. There it is, above the bed. Looks way too normal, doesnít it? What is this? Skyscrapers, impressionism, autumn leaves, a steeple? A true insane artist has left these things behind. Letís get started, open your paints but donít put them down on the blanket which is crawling with lice and mites and creatures of great smallness and toxicity. Just stand up on the mattress and bounce up and down ñ incidentally you can see your naked body in the mirror behind you ñ and pick up a color from your palette. Many of my viewers ask the same stupid question, ìWhat color?î and I always say the same thing, it does not matter. Some people even have names for them, but they donít matter. Apply the color and attack, attack with the brush or whatever you think is a brush. Is that a stupid skyscraper? A stately elk? France? Donít be intimidated, paint right over it! Autumn leaves? Add a clown, give him a knife, there you go. How about some other colors. A locomotive, these look like mushrooms but they have a deeper insane meaningÖand when it comes time for the final touches, as you pee on the painting you donít even have to take it off the wall. You can just bounce up and down and get the job done knowing that some sullen poor woman with tattooed kids and not quite enough Indian blood to get her a good job at the casino will clean the whole thing up in the morning, and look at what you have, a painting fit for an outsider gallery full of confused sane people with money to burn.

This is Billy Flamnigan wishing you luck with creating high-priced art of the insane easily and simply, without even one visit to the Split Elms mental spa. Bye, bye.

.



Yep, Taylor??? that's the one. I went back to my motel with a smile.
Up and down, up and down- that's the ticket!



Herman Halter

.



I got to have a modicum of fun at work yesterday- I aim to please in
a fairly large, public employment center, and I was asked to prepare
a sample of a "functionally" formatted resume. So now we have a big
stack of examples of the resume of one "Phil DeLapo," a graduate of
Morescience High from way back in 1970. Somehow, Morescience ended
up in Heater, Arizona. I will present this material in workshops and pause
to see who knows/whose nose. I hope this doesn't end up in a "heated"sloppyright suedefringement lawsuit??? I really am just trying to tweak
the beak of the next Bozo who needs a job.



References available over my dead body.



Dewey Duty

.



I find myself wondering why there are no Spaniards on this bolg. I
met a guy from Georgia, now where are the Spaniards?



Ed Quisition

.



I'll google "dido," Guido, and I'd settle for a pal in Quito. 
If I can get a bride from Russia, seems like I should be able to
meet a Bozo from Oporto. As a favor, perhaps someone could just
pretend to be from another country/planet. I'll never know the difference.



Hume Orme

.



Dear L. Sidney-



Welcome to the blog of the no conozco! I hope your blood orange crop
is coming in really good this year so that you can make a great batch
of sangria to enjoy with your tapas. As to the Fecund World War, I
believe it was won by the anti-Axis powers, which must mean it was some
kind of peripheral element that prevailed. Enjoy the just pretend, no-kill
bullfights!



Your pal in the USAble,



Marco Simpathico 

.



I stayed in San Blas for two weeks and there was only one market and
the guy at the market had a record player but he only had one record.
Gracias Dios that it was a double album - Roy Orbison's Greatest Hits.
He played it all day, every day, and loud enough so that it sounded
just right when you sat out in the square. When you bought things, he
didn't give you change, he gave you various numbers of little, individually
boxed Chiclets. I never did figure out the exchange rate.



Now I'm here and it is too damn hot, and has been so for too damn many
days in a row. It has happened - I've been reduced to whining about the
weather. And to taking days and lining them up. So last night, I got home
from work and fell onto the bed in the coolest room and entered the middle
of an episode of Leave it to Beaver, which felt very cool with its black
and white, and there he was - Larry Mondello. Larry seemed so much the way I
think I was at his age that for a moment, and I recognize that it may have
just beeen the muscle relaxants and Valerian root with Tapatio sauce, but
I felt that I actually was Larry Mondello, and that I was inside the 
Cleaver house watching as Wally made the difficult phone calls that he was
required to place as chairman of the Blind Date Dance Committee. But then
I snapped out of it and went back to complaining about the heat.



Otro Mondello

.



The Chicletts are headlining at the Indian Casino near my house on Aug.1st!
Sometimes the coincidences of life seeem just a bit too coincidental, if
you get my drift. Just don't dip into my grift. I would not presume to expect
Chester to look into it. Suddenly, I feel lonely again - something akin to an
out-of-buddy experience.



Kornfran DeEskimos

.



Whoa??? reading that really brings back some non-memories! I'm still
prone to putting on a scratchy old Sue Pine LP and muttering around the
house about how I need a new needle. Next time we go tail-grating in the
distended-bed Dodge Detonator before one of those big concerts out at the
Oli-Iron-Ampi(we shorten everything around here, for fear of not getting it
out), I'll be sure to bring along some of those timed capsules to go with
the Brats. I can't wait to go under-lawning again. Last time, we saw the
Nilbillies and it looked to me like they still have their original members.



And speaking of brats, we used to sing to ours too, on those inferno-ly long,
tire-searing road trips across the lower Sonoran on Highway Tendency. We'd sing,
"What? I have a friend in Jesus?" and they'd keep asking "Can we please go home?"and I'd threaten to pull the car over on its side and they would cry and ask
when we could stop and go to the bathroom and I'd just drive on, chuckling to
myself, saying only, "depends, depends." 



Heh,heh,heh??? there's only one way to make it all the way through a Lawn Jockeys
encore without missing a thing, eh boys? Just remind that damn fool next to you that
waving your lighter over your head during the second encore is one thing and having a
leaky hose on your oxygen bottle is another. Some people don't have the brains that
Allah gave a goat. 



Well, that's more than enough from me, and anyway I need to get out there and shoe the
crows that keep getting into the corn.



Gene Netticks

.



I see what you're getting at??? or as we used to say back in
the missle days, ICBM.  Point well taken. And "Goats to the
Gallon" needs to be an album title, pronto.



Hiro Welcome

.



If you think the price of a gallon is bad, I'll tell you, after
looking around, I've got Nubian Sticker Shock. Which is also a good
name for a band. Don't you just feel like singing this morning? Isn't
it fine if nothing makes sense?



A chair is still a chair
Even when itís filled with air
But a chairís not worth a goat
Or half a gallon for your boat
When there's no one there, to hold the rope,
And no oneís there, to pet the goat.



A room is still a room
Even filled with petrol fume,
But a room is not a pen,
And a gallon is worth ten,
Of your finest stock
How's that fit with, goat sticker shock???



Hmm, hum dee dee, dum dum
Hum dee dum, dee dee dum
Dum dee dee, dum dum
Dee dee dum dum
Dumb dumb.



Burnt Bacharach

.



"Lonely???lonely- tin can at my feet,
think I'll kick it down the street,
that's the way to treat a friend."Randy Newman



When he sings it, it's damn plaintive, I'll give him that,
but I think that what Randy it missing is that if he'd had
a goat, he could have taken the tin can home and fed it to him,
which would also have solved the whole lonliness issue
at the same time! I predict that if you give Flamnigan five
minutes alone with that Chagall reproduction, he'll leave the
violin untouched and heavily paint over the rest, including
the goat, with, get this, another, bigger goat! And he will use
a color.



Art P. Dickter

.



NO GOAT MENTIONED



remember
relive
relieve
believe
release
befriend
begin



show up
shout out
goof off
regroup
renew
unscrew
free swim



go down
get out
get off
get up
cut loose
go wild
grow fins



inhale
intense
intent
in tents
interr
infer
delimb



Walt Witness

.



Are you the same Bendon who grew up in Footsweller Hollow?!?
I remember going to school with the String Brothers:
Bendon A. String, Bendon E. String and Bendon D. String.
Their father was a crazy old coot (no offense, I hope). They
had an older step-sister who had a different last name and
didn't leave home very often??? more of a porch-sister really.
Her name was Lorraine something-or-other. Hmmm???I'm thinking
it may have been Lorraine N. Katzndahg, but we just called
her Lorrie, not so much because her name was Lorraine but
more because she looked a lot like Peter Lorrie. Not to be
judgemental. I'm sure she was very nice. I just remember her
sitting there rocking with that big jar of home-canned string
beans in her lap, day after day, no matter the weather.



Walker Rydepasaparch

.



If suddenly nothing happens for a reason, may I infer that
eventually everything happens for no reason? That might explain
a lot of things for me???like mosquitos, GeoBush and split milk.



Hap N. Stance

.



"No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty
of kittens."Abraham Lincoln




I find it very reassuring to know that Abe had as much free time
on his hands as I do.



Fred Theslaves

.



My god man, how old are you? And still with the memory like a steel tarp!
I know I watched a lot of Mike Douglas and Merv but all I can remember are
vague images of Charo and that I always ate a whole big bag of tasty, tasty
Doritos by the time the show was over. I just had a vision of Steve Allen-
time for my nap.



Vern Skirmish

.



Is there a band in Fresno called the Fresnomads? Are they
the ones who do that song on youtube called "Bisquick in
Bakersfield?" Did you bring enough gum to share with the
whole class?



Just wondering.



Quentin Eng

.



I was reading that, while it is hard to estimate with any certainty,
approximately 100 billion people have lived and died during known 
human history here on Earth. Give or take a few billion. I wonder who 
the best one was.



Ben Liven

.



That's so odd, because I remember listening to my short-wave
(no dwarf joke intended) radio about a year ago and on the 
English language station out of Thailand I heard something
about a revenge eating of a hippo by a dwarf. Apparently a
cousin. And in one sitting, too.



Ty Neebutfull